My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
