How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
