My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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