if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
