I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
