Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
