i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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