just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
