don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
