It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
where are you?
Hypothermia
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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