I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
