if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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