first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
