i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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