I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize