I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
did you just send me my own nude
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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