Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize