; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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