Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
