OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
