Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
