This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
