The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
