I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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