apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
