Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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