You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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