All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I will pee on everything he values.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
