His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
