Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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