why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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