how can u be prego again
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
