I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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