my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm getting married
To pizza
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
