Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My feet surprised me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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