My friends, they love my intelligence
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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