I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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