woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize