she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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