RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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