come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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