I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
