We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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