I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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