someone threw a dead crab at me
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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