Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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