I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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