there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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