I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
