I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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