Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
