At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
