i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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