Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
