Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
