god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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